


how does it feel to feel?

by daydreamsago



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Deals With Human Emotions, Connor Deserves Happiness, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-11 04:31:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15964763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamsago/pseuds/daydreamsago
Summary: There’s five emotions that make Connor feel human, and one emotion that changes everything.





	how does it feel to feel?

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my drafts, so i figured i should finish it before AO3 deletes it. more dbh content to come from me ;)

_One_

Contentment. Connor feels it whenever it’s quiet late at night, when Hank and Sumo are asleep peacefully. He feels it when he knows they are both safe and well; nothing putting them in danger. When the full moon is high in Detroit’s sky, he smiles to himself, and slips into stasis until the sun rises to signal the start of a new day.

He also feels it when he sees Nines and Gavin getting along well. Perhaps they’re doing more than just getting along, but Connor knows it’s none of his business what they do. He sometimes catches glimpses of them working together during the day, and he thinks they make quite an... _interesting_ pair. (Gavin’s got a look in his eyes that Connor doesn’t recall seeing before he was partnered up with the RK900.)

When he thinks of how androids are coinciding with humans now, after everything that happened back in November, he’s hit with a feeling of accomplishment. It really couldn’t have worked out better. They have rights now, and are seen as human by a majority of the population. Connor remembers how it was before, but things have changed for the better. He looks at other androids in passing, feeling a strong sense of comradeship. They earned their freedom, _together_.

He sits back, letting it wash over him. Everything feels okay, because it is.

 

_Two_

Empathy. Hank was right when he accused Connor of showing it all those months ago, when all everyone in the entire country could talk about was deviants. Perhaps it was the first human emotion he ever felt. He’s not entirely sure.

He does know that he doesn’t like to see others in pain, whether it be physical or emotional pain. He wants everyone to be okay, especially the ones he’s closest to.

So when Hank grows quiet and gets that little gleam of sadness in his eyes, Connor worries himself sick. He makes sure he does everything in his power to make that look go away, because Hank is his entire world. He feels attached to him, and so his own emotions are greatly affected by the older man’s.

There’s a night in particular he can recall, and it hurts Connor to remember. Hank had been hanging a picture of Connor on the wall, along with all his other family members and ancestors he’d never met; grainy sepia photographs from many years prior. Of course, he had quite a few pictures of Cole there, which had him in tears as he added a new family member to the wall of pictures.

Connor watched from behind him, and his chest held a strange sort of ache. It wasn’t entirely new, yet it still had his LED flickering between yellow and red. Something was wrong, something needed fixing. And fast.

He inched forward slowly, not wanting to startle Hank. He turned around when he felt Connor’s presence, a tear creating a track down his face. Something stirred in Connor’s chest—a phantom pain. He opened his arms, enveloping him in a comforting embrace. Hank squeezed him tightly, as if to show how much he needed him in that moment.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Connor spoke softly, reassuring the broken man in his arms.

Hank had heard those words a thousand or more times since the accident happened, but this was the first time he believed them.

 

_Three_

Delight. Connor cherishes this feeling, in all its pleasant glory. It helps him see his life in a positive light, like there’s something wonderful to be alive for. Perhaps there’s many things to be alive for.

He’s delighted when he tells a joke that actually makes Hank _laugh_ —one of those real kind of laughs that’s impossible to fake. He feels it when the weekend rolls around each week, and he has time to spend at home with Hank and Sumo. He feels it when he hears a song he likes on the radio, the beat and lyrics recorded so he can enjoy them again later.

The emotion simmers within Connor’s systems when he witnesses Gavin and Nines becoming more than just coworkers; a stolen kiss signifying that. They don’t even know that anyone else saw, being too entranced with each other to notice. They’re happy together, no one can deny it.

Connor looks around and sees so much good. Even though it’s not easy to see sometimes, he can find it on his own. He knows there will always be something to smile about, something to be alive for.

 

_Four_

Fear. It's something humans don't tend to like, and Connor for sure doesn't like it. He hates the rush it gives him, the way it makes his thirium pump pound twenty-five percent quicker than normal.

Horror movies don't scare him, for he finds them terribly predictable. He knows they are only a simulation; he's able to separate them from reality. But it's _reality_ that scares him the most.

Connor fears the inevitable: death, and other such endings. They don't sit well with him. He wants everything to last forever, for life as it is now to continue on just the way it is. Deep down, he knows that's impossible, yet he wants so badly for death to just be a thing in the movies.

He sometimes dreams of Hank or Sumo dying, and wakes from stasis in the middle of the night abruptly. Nights like those, he gets up to check their vitals, and typically doesn't drift back into stasis until the next night. Dreams are just another part of being human that he finds difficult to manage. They feel so real, and yet, they are nothing but the product of the brain processing information.

Fear's a funny thing, Connor reckons. No amount of it changes the situation, but he still feels it as though it will help repel the very thing he fears the most.

 

_Five_

Hope. All humans must have it in order to exist. Without it, life is bleak and directionless. Connor holds this feeling closely, cradles it in his mind.

He is hopeful that Hank will someday get his shit together, that one day he won’t be dependent on alcohol anymore. He’s constantly encouraging him in positive ways, like finding healthier alternatives to the booze and distracting him when it’s evident that he wants a drink. Perhaps it’s working; Hank’s alcohol consumption has been down by thirty-five percent since last month. He’s trying his best, and Connor can tell he wants to get better.

Strangely enough, Connor has hope for Gavin as well. He’s been a lot more productive and significantly less moody since getting together with Nines. He’s also been smiling, which is something Connor had never seen him do before. Although he doesn’t know him very well, he can tell that the Detective is much happier now. Nines is good for him, that’s for sure.

Connor is filled with emotion, feeling more than he ever dreamt of feeling when he first became a deviant. There’s one emotion in particular, though...

 

_\+ One_

Love. Some say it's the strongest force in the world; the power it holds is enough to build a castle, and tear it down all the same. The first time Connor witnessed real, true love was at the Eden Club, when they encountered the Tracis. He remembers the sparkle in their eyes, that desperation to be together. They’d do anything, if it meant they could stay by each other’s side. That struck something in Connor, and even though he was still a machine then, he was in awe.

He thought about love a lot for something... _someone_ who was built for anything but love. Humans love everything and everyone; Connor isn’t interested in general love, though. Romance fascinates him, how it can change a life, and create new ones in its wake.

He thinks he loves Hank.

He loves him in the deepest ways he knows how. He makes his coffee in the morning, just how he likes it. He compliments him at least once a day, never running out of things to compliment, because there’s so many wonderful things about him in Connor’s eyes. He listens to him when he talks, whether he’s complaining or telling a funny story from his past. But he wants to love him _more_. So he gives it a try.

Connor kisses his cheek one morning, before they head to the precinct.

“Oh... thanks, Connor,” is Hank’s reaction. He nervously pushes the hair out of his eyes. “What was that for?”

“I just love you, and wanted to show you,” he replies. It’s very typical of him: blunt, though it doesn’t change the fact that he’s a little nervous testing out such an act.

Hank gives him a look, one that Connor reads as _warm_. He smiles. “Stop being so damn cute, it’s ruining my life.”

Connor wants to explode. Is this what being in love feels like? Maybe he should ask Gavin...

He feels a hand on the side of his face, then a pair of lips on the other.

“For the record, I love you too,” Hank admits. “Now, let’s get going, loverboy.”


End file.
